goodbye 2009. thanks for many things...

i'm saying adios. au revoir. slán leat. arrivederci. all hail to 2009. wish i could say i'm sad you're leaving. however, i can't. what i can say is that i'm glad you came.

this year started off wonderfully. i was with a man that i loved, had my children around me. life was. happy.sad.joyful.dramatic.traumatic. then the breakup came. my mother fell ill. i uprooted my children when i moved them 4 hours away from their school to go take care of my mother. their father & i have been separated for nearly 4 yrs now. but moving was still hard for them, as 4 hrs now also parted them from their father which they usually saw 6 days a wk. there are sooo many things that i can cry about. but i have been blessed with many things that i can laugh about.

so THANK YOU GOD for the many blessings of 2009...
(and just a few to be mentioned in no particular order)

*thank you for giving me the opportunity to make new memories for myself, my children & my mother. had she not gotten so sick, we wouldn't have moved to be with her. we'd be missing out.

*thank you for the breakup. this relationship taught me so many things. while i know NOW that it was too much too soon, i was given the chance to experience true love again. and while it came at the price of a beautiful friendship, and i'll forever miss it, i do know what i'm capable of feeling. and sharing.

*thank you for reuniting me with a different friend. this friend was given to me at the age of 18. And we've had a couple hiatus in our long tenure. But God, you keep putting this man back into my life for a reason. i'm open to those reasons, whatever those reasons are...whatever those reasons will be. i know if the situation had not changed in my life prior (the breakup) that this reconciliation would have not happened. i'm grateful for Your foresight. and for letting me appreciate the hindsight.

*thank you for the many new friendships that i've been blessed with. i'm saddened at the dissolution of some friendships & the strain of others, but i do know that i'm truly blessed with many new people in my life. and for the longevity of those friendships, some short term, some for the long haul. i'm grateful.

*thank you for strengthening my Faith. God, You've shown me Your Grace & Mercy. I know i'm no where near the perfect child, but i do try to be a good person. I believe that i'm rewarded greatly by the blessings bestowed upon me. i do hope that even tho i fall short of thanking You for each one...that my gratitude is seen in other ways.

so there we go. key things that i'm grateful that 2009 brought with it. i'm waving my lil hankie at its departure. 2009 definitely leaves me with some very bittersweet memories...but i'm anxious to see what rolls around next....

so hello, 2010. so nice to meet you. let's see what you've brought with you....

25 things you'll prolly wish you never knew...

you can blame thank Worldofmomma for this...she's the one who tagged me. :)

last chance to turn back.....cuz here we go w/ the 25 THINGS YOU'LL PROLLY WISH YOU NEVER KNEW....


Q1) name someone famous you share a birthday with
A) well according to this site, i share a birthday with Anita Baker, Kirk Franklin, Eddie Van Halen & Paul Newman...yanno. just to name a few...

Q2) where was your first kiss?
A) hahah. this is a great memory for me. i was 7 or 8 years old & it was with my favorite summer buddy, Denny. he was an older man, just at 9 yo. he spent summers w/ his grandparents, who lived on the farm across the hills from us. he & his gramps had driven their old truck up our gravel road to visit. while his Gramps Brock & my daddy visited, Denny & i went about playing. we climbed the tree in the backyard. we were maybe 200 feet (on the ground of course) from our folks. i cant help but giggle as i reminisce about this...we were sitting about 5 feet off the ground, in the crook of a forked branch of the tree. i rememeber Denny whispered something to me. i didn't hear him initially, so when i leaned in to hear him as he repeated himself, he kissed me quickly right on my lips. i remember feeling my face heat up, my cheeks i know were red as strawberries. i screamed, "why did you have to do that?" as i shoved him from the branch to the ground. the big baby started crying & ran to his Gramps to be consoled. of course, then my daddy wanted to know what happened. i wasn't afraid to tell him either. my dad & Gramps stood there & laughed til they cried. as Denny still cried. LOL funnily enough, when he tried to kiss me again 4 yrs later, we weren't in that tree...and i certainly didn't ask him why he did that...OR shove him down. and yanno, to this day, i still do not know what that boy said to me that day in the tree...

Q3) Have you ever seriously vandalized someone's property?
A) who me?! nooooo. i couldn't. ::hides spray paint cans & toilet paper rolls::

Q4) Have you ever song in front of a large group of people?
A) yes. i sang all thru out high school, performing in groups & solos. plus there's always bar karaoke. LOL

Q5) Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex?
A) yes. but in my defense...well yah. it was in my defense.


Q6) What is the 1st thing you notice about your preferred sex?
A) their eyes & their lips. a friend & i were just discussing this last night...hmmmm.

Q7) what turns you off?
A) liars. i don't deal well with dishonesty.

Q8) what do you order from Starbucks?
A) usually either a venti caramel macchiato, except during fall months & i'll grab a pumpkin spice latte. if i'm not getting one of these two, it'll be a java chip frap or a soy chai-no water.

Q9) what's your biggest mistake?
A) mistakes? i make plenty. daily. i believe sometimes making a mistake is the only way we learn.

Q10) have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?
A) emotionally. yes. but that's because i took chances on something or someone. but i'd rather love and lost, than to never have loved at all.


Q11) quick say something totally random about yourself..
A) i have a streak of amber, in the iris of my right eye. it's very noticeable since my eyes are blue/green.

Q12) has anyone ever said you look like a celebrity?
A) in HS, my friend's dad said i looked like Sara Gilbert, who starred as Darlene Conner on the sitcom, Roseanne. ironically, my parenting style, some 20 years later, is probably closer to that of Roseanne's character. i probably look more like her too.

Q13) Do you ever watch kiddie movies or TV shows?
A) almost everyday. if i'm watching it, it's usually with my tween daughter or my son. iCarly roolz!

Q14) did you ever wear braces?
A) yep. and when they were removed, the enamel came off w/ the brackets. i spent 2 yrs in braces to still have borked teeth. niiiiice.

Q15) are you comfortable with your height?
A) i'd love to be an inch or two taller. but i've accepted my height (or challenge there of) long ago. i've been 5'3" since i was in the 8th grade.


Q16) whats the most most romantic thing a person of the opposite sex ever done for you?
A) i'm really into simplicity. i think it is probably when my friend, while scraping my windshield, insisted on me sitting in my car to keep warm, as he was pelted with rain & ice.

Q17) when do you know its love?
A) when you simply cannot picture your life without that person. you've reached a plateau of love. not to be confused with being inlove.

Q18) do you speak any other languages?
A) in all truthfulness, i do know several signs from ASL & i probably know just enough Spanish to get my ass beat down.

Q19) Have you ever been to a tanning salon?
A) yep.

Q20) Have you ever ridden in a limo?
A) yes. when i got married. prolly won't do THAT again. the marriage part. as for the limo, i'd crawl back in. anytime.


Q21) What is something that really annoys you?
A) ignorant people! Self imposed ignorance is the worst. if people choose to be ignorant by their own accord or b/c they have no ambition or desire to be anything but ignorant. i have high tolerance for about anything but that...

Q22) What is something you really like?
A) sushi. and there are not enough Sushi places in my town. see for yourself here? (the one is low rated & the 2nd one is over 25 miles away)

Q23) can you dance?
A) anyone can dance. the true question is "can i dance well?" eeeee...no.

Q24) have you ever been been rushed by ambulance to the emergency room?
A) not yet.

Q25)now tag five people
A) @MzFuller8, @detailoring, @wbahner, @grnladybug, @seriouslysweet

go forth. post.

i'm a #bettycrockerFAIL

OOH-EMM-GEEEEE!!!
::pulls out hair::

ok. it's true. i'll admit it upfront & be done with it.
i am a #bettycrockerFAIL.
yesterday was cookie day here, i thereby proved by no exception,
i am NOT a baker. i can create about anything i put my lil mind to...
except boxed mac n' cheese & cookies. seriously. somethings are just too complex i suppose.

but i was cookie-or-bust.
my kids wanted to bake cookies, i had to deliver.

i thought i could take an easy way out & grabbed a cookie mix for the pecan sandies aka snowballs.
yah no so much.
i put the required 1 1/2 sticks of butter in the bowl, threw in the mix & viola. seemed kinda gooey to me...but according to the box, it should have been that simple!
you'd think.

alas, our lil 1-inch batter balls didn't cookie-fye though. instead, they spread out at make a lil pecan spreckled doughy pizza.
wtf?!

i got a bright idea (i know, the shock of it all) & added more cookie flour to the mix...b/c like i said, the batter did seem a bit too creamy. i guess i should always trust my non-baker instincts. after i added more flour, at least they looked like cookies when they came outta the oven...
that is until they exploded into crumbs when we tried to roll them in powdered sugar.
#fail #fail #fail #fail #epiccookiefail
the crumbs were tasty tho....

we made chocolate chip cookies instead.
brownies up next. at least i can do those...and do em well.

::disclaimer::
those are NOT my cookies up there. thanks to www.choc-chip-cookie-recipe.com/images/burned for the pix. ;)

how do you like me now?

last night, yanno, when i couldn't sleep, i clicked the TV over to AMC. whatcha know. Never Been Kissed was playing. My most favorite line from the whole movie is probably:

Merkin: I'm just a little tense. This whole office is not Feng Shui. All the desks are facing evil.

this movie, while cheezy at best, always makes me ponder. could be my lil crush on Michael Vartan but either way, contemplating anything is not necessarily a bad thing, unless it's @ 3am when you're already trying to nod-off for a few winks that you're already weeks deprived of....

it's weird how the thought process works too. i mean really. the movie (for those who haven't seen it) is about a 25 yo female reporter who, in her first undercover assignment, has to go back to high school. 'nuff said. that alone would scare the bejeejeez outta most anyone...

so my thought process went to:
THEN.
wow. back to high school.
i did not fit in very well in most settings back then.
granted i wasn't a "josie grossie" but...
when i did fit in, i still didn't feel like i did.
i was too much of a non-conformist to not be considered a loaner, i had too many bad habits to not be a burn-out. i dressed too stylishly to not be a prep, and i was too conscience of my grades to not be a nerd.

my thoughts then swung full circle...
NOW.
i fit in quite well in some settings, i almost fit in others...
but wow. deja vu. cuz i'm still pretty much a non-conformist. i still don't like for people to tell me what to do. i traded some bad habits for others over the years. i don't know that if i'm better off or not. i still dress stylishly when i want to...and now i'm conscience of my children's school grades.

those who knew me in high school, can attest to the fact. in actuality i'm pretty much the exact "core" person i was back in the day. i think i was "just me" before my time. very few people "got" me back then. some of my friends' parents LOVED me...and others, not so much. my sense of humor, while it's gotten a bit darker in my maturation, was a bit dusk-ish even then.

and what amuses me to no end these days, is that in high school, certain people wouldn't speak to me, but those same people were some of the first to friend me as soon as i created my acct on facebook. ironic much?

just strikes me as odd, how some just couldn't "get" me then, but wow. how do you like me now?

green eyes...

momma.
green eyes,
she is smiling at
you.

little girl
grew up.
what will you do?

when she was young
smiling sweet
innocent,
knew nothing of deceit

did you ever believe
come one day
little woman would
be loving men in momma's way?

has she broken hearts
as you've done
your baby girl's gone
on another man run.

her daddy's ashamed,
shows in his actions.
his baby girl wants nothing
but grim satisfaction.

daddy should have
taught her as a child,
daddy's too late,
the girl is wild.

but momma, you're proud.
despite the thought,
little woman will fight
the same fight you fought.

~cLo
feb 23, 1995

--was going thru some stuff...found some old poems that i'd written. this one won 2nd place in a poetry contest. pretty proud of it. i have alot of these...this one happens to be my favorite!!! thought i'd share it.

no more bah-hum-bug but cancer still sux...

i'd love to start this off by saying how much i hate cancer. and the holidays... but i've kinda secretly vowed to myself to be more positive in 2010 (note: not a new year's resolution as i don't make those)...i'm TRYING to use my blog to practice now...

therefore, i can't really say i hate anything now. dangit. i'll get this...

so let me start by saying i don't warmly embrace the holiday season...there, that's not so negative right? hrmmm. this will be harder than i thought...because i really do hate cancer.

it used to be our family's tradition to put up our tree on thanksgiving night. we'd play the christmas music, sing & dance while we decorated the house. we'd drink hot cocoa & practice being merry...my kids used to love it. then we'd make a calendar to count down days til C-DAY.

once christmas eve arrived, we'd have dinner w/ grandma (aka my mother-in-law). even after the kids' dad & i separated, we still celebrated christmas eve with her. my babies sure did adore their grandmother. we'd exchange gifts & all would be good as long as their father & i could be civil. and it happened. christmas miracles, right?

on christmas morning, i'd usually make a quick breakfast or we'd have donuts & chocolate milk. (c'mon it's christmas for crying outloud) and we'd open gifts. celebrate with just the few of us, then we'd head off to dad's or my brother's for christmas dinner.

then the holiday mood shifted...in mid-dec 2003, my uncle john was diagnosed with acute leukemia. he passed just a few days later,right before christmas. he was my dad's only sibling. that tragic event started a steamroll of tragic events for my family. in mid jan 04, we lost my god-mother to lung cancer. within 2 wks of her passing, my daddy was diagnosed. stage 2 bladder cancer. holy shitballs and happy birthday to me. yah. not really. (does sarcasm count as negativity? i did say happy...) the dr's did what he referred to as his "hysterical-rectomy." the drs took dad's bladder, prostate, seminal vessels, & lymph nodes. but thankfully they left his sense of humor intact. the next few mths life proceeded as normal, just adjusting to his bag but still fishing & doing his thing...there was no chemo or rads intially because the surgeon was sure "we got it ALL!" ... that is til dad's hips started hurting. he went in for a scan. his pelvis was lit w/ cancer. it has metastasized to his bones. (can i say i hate cancer now?!?!)

that rest of the year was draped with words like, "will. chemo. radiation. sick. cancer. death"...the holidays came & went. no memorial day picnic, no 4th of july bbq, father's day was nice & quiet for him. no labor day bbq. halloween bonfire didn't happen. no thanksgiving dinner or christmas dinner @ dad's either. he was too "sick from the chemo/radiation. his cancer was wearing him down. and since he was open about his impending death, he was busy working on his will." nice eh. told you the words clouded our existence.

dad was housebound alot & quite bored. so i brought dad the book Tuesdays With Morrie to read. then we dad decided that he wanted his own LIFE PARTY. he was pretty excited about this. it was his choice to celebrate his life NOW rather than missing out on all the eulogies & such that he didn't want delivered anyway. he wanted to hear all the things that would be said about him while he was still alive to hear them. he decided there would be no funeral, no stage for mourning as he put it. i had to laugh with him. he's such an awesome man. so we started planning. on may 21, 2005, we had his LIFE PARTY. what a party it was! people who we hadn't seen for years, stopped by to help us celebrate- they came to say hello...and to say goodbye.

on father's day (june 19, 2005) dad took his freedom flight from cancer. we held a private memorial for him over 4th of july wkd (his 2nd favorite holiday)& had another party...i don't pretend to love cancer, i don't pretend to even like it. but it earned my respect. i used to say cancer took my father's life. but true as that is, i've come to realize that cancer also taught my father to live.

can you see the holiday trend here!? about the only "untouched holiday" left was easter & thanksgiving. until 2008. i lost my cousin, trey, 2 wkds past easter (to a car accident) & my beloved mother-in-law passed from sepsis just 2 days before thanksgiving. my holidays, off & on, have been chocked full of sadness for over 4 years now...ugh.

and now here were are...in full swing of the christmas season 2009, another year's end fastly approaching. my personal goal (again, not a resolution) is to focus on the positive things in my life, which yanno, i have had many. both present & past. and yanno what else? i think i'll call it a gift to myself....